Feeling crummy today. My ankles and feet are so swollen I cannot get my shoes on. I fell hard yesterday, on my back. I don’t usually fall on my back. My trekking pole was not tightened and when I put it down and put my weight on it it slid out from under me. I was sore, but not hurt.
I gained some introspection. I have been with this disease, diagnosed that is, 13 years. I wonder if I am starting to go downhill. I know I am not getting enough exercise. How does one get enough exercise when they can hardly move!
So why did I turn off the DBS. I was doubting myself. I doubted if the DBS really gave me that much benefit. I am still taking lots of PD meds and it makes me wonder when the bad side affects will start kicking in.
What happened when I turned it off? Immediately after I turned it off my right hand tremored really hard. The left joined in. But then they both stopped tremoring and I was having some trouble swallowing my saliva. That was strange. And my body was very stiff. I had a really hard time getting off my bed and walking into the kitchen was like walking in knee deep cement. I stayed with these feelings for 15 minutes. Then I turned it back on.
I want to cry. But that would show I am weak. Or would it? Maybe my courage would actually shine through.
I must believe. I must believe in myself, in what I know will help me.
Today, it just wasn’t in me…the belief that is.
Tomorrow is another day.
Used by permission of the author.